Wrestleslam V - Bash of the Titans - March 9th, 2019
Wrestleslam V - Bash of the Titans took place on March 9th, 2019. = Card The age of myth, the song of heroes...a thrilling WRESTLING CARD! Matches scheduled for Bash of the Titans: Ralf Macchiato vs. Gary the Goat *********** DRINK VS. DRINK! In the Ancient world, battles were waged to determine which beverage was best. Now, WINE and COFFEE continue their timeless feud! Gary the Goat -- noted satyr and hero of wine -- goes hoof-to-toe with the CULTIST OF COFFEE, Ralph Macchiato! No matter who wins, "beer" also wins! *********** The Intergalactic Express (BFF Champs) vs. Dumpster Babes *********** What's higher than the stars? What's lower than the pits? Don't ask the Oracle at Delphi, this match has ALL THE ANSWERS! PARTY VIOLENCE stoops to grotesque lows and ecstatic heights in our most THR'ILL ADVISED match-up yet! The star-faring IGX must slosh through waste to defend their titles against the Dumpster Babes - a filthy, repulsive, wedded couple! *********** -{PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH}- Puggin'head (Partyweight Champ) vs. Skip Rathbone *********** PUGGIN'HEAD: the tiny, felt-covered guy who has earned PWR's most sacred and powerful belt! Is he a puppet?! Certainly not, he's a REAL BOY with REAL WRESTLING MOVES! His INDOMITABLE SPIRIT must clash with the deadly threat of PWR's only cybernetic gameshow host! The SPINX'S RIDDLES and HAPHAESTUS' metal limbs glom together into one LEGALLY HUMAN creature...the nemesis...SKIP RATHBONE! *********** Luigi Primo vs. the Pizzaclops *********** The party is over...and NO ONE wants the last slice! Austin's most thoroughly Italian chef competes against his most terrible challenge - an anthropomorphic slice of pizza! For the last year, this CRUEL FOOD DAEMON has hopped through space and time, tormenting Luigi. Win or lose, it's sure to be both nasty and visually poetic! *********** Alexandra Cage vs. Big Daddy Bolero *********** A wealthy Dallas-native has founded a new real estate development venture in Austin - and he's taking aim at the EAST SIDE OF THE MULTIVERSE! One radical enforcer of PARTY JUSTICE stands in his way - ALEXANDRA CAGE! Can you hear the rhythm of resistance? Or is that just the tympanum of bulldozers?! *********** Dock Master (Necroweight Champ) vs. Baron Zahkey *********** The great Canadian hero, the man from the sea...DOCK MASTER! He's fought hard to keep the cursed NECROWEIGHT BELT out of the hands of evildoers, but now the terrible responsibility of holding it rests with him. There's one undead warlord who would love to take it off his hands, though - BARON ZAHKEY! The Eastern Beastern has internalized sone of the dark powers confered upon him during his reign as NW champion - and now he's out to restore his full power! *********** Bull DeCroix vs. The Conductor *********** ALL ABOARD -- the Trainboys are fighting! The gigantic CONDUCTOR and brutal BULL DECROIX speed down the tracks; a collision is imminent! The fallout between the enforcers of TRAINLAW has plunged the downtown/medical center light rail system into TOTAL CHAOS! Trains everywhere shed bitter tears, for these men. *********** Hot Dog (Garbageweight Champ), Sweetie Tuff and Crybaby vs. Circe's Hogg Boys *********** HOGG WILD! The goddess of swine has transformed 2 massive combatants into MASSIVE HOGS! This fearsome, porcine unit wants arch-punk Hot Dog's Garbageweight belt, possibly to eat. But urban forest nymph SWEETIE TUFF and their magical partner, CRYBABY, will be at this side! It's TEAM HOG vs. TEAM DOG! Let's get...swog?!! The Valkyries in action *********** The emissaries of Wormhalla have received a vague challenge, written in Phoenician and delivered via Amazon 1-day prime! BASH OF THE TITANS would be a great time to see what's up with this! *********** An UNSPECIFIED ANNOUNCEMENT From Swifty DeNiro *********** Hey, sure! Dan "The Man" Ziglar's on again/off again manager has bought ring time to say some stuff! You can just buy ring time, apparently! Post Show Write-Up A groundhog raised his bloody maw from Spring's first kill -- and an untold Bacchanalia descended upon 4th Tap Brewing Co-Op! The Titans had returned... but they had a clean, green, VENERATED SNAKE to contend with! Learn how... and remember! Teen Worm Kills Ancient Deity, Timmy Quivers Reborn from Godsblood ****** Muses sang the night's advent, and welcomed a giant, nameless philosopher-god to the ring. His BRUTAL AND HERETICAL dialectic ended as he became SUMMARILY DECAPITATED by TEEN WORM HERSELF! Timmy Quivers arose from the carnage, hootin' and hollerin'! Gary def. Spryda and Ralf Macchiatto ****** Rose petals heralded the footfalls of GARY THE GOAT, who was visibly drunk on wine! But Ralf Macciato was caffed up and furious; he did not appreciate the sauced goat! Meanwhile, the AMORAL, SPARKLING soda-man, Spryda, entered the fray, bubbling for a fight. After he showed some true Bronze-age disregard for human life by (accidentally?) killing someone, the BATTLE OF ALL DRINKS COMMENCED! A spectacular fray of coffee vs. alcohol vs. soda lit the ring with Greek fire. Gary triumphed, and wine would now be recognized as the superior drink, eternally! Can't believe it! Valkyries def. Amazons Prime, Hire Them Full Time ****** Next to enter the ring were the Valkyries, those intrepid emissaries of Wormhalla! They search for warriors had again brought them to recruit in the 4th Tap Brawloseum! But they got a counter offer -- from Amazons Prime! The two armor-clad mass-employers sought their own warriors, ones who didn't need reasonable wages, or bathroom breaks. A series of Greek-style challenges ensued, with the Amazons seemingly cheating at every step. After intervention from the harried delivery vassal ALEXIA, the Valks spirited everyone through the Wormhallan portal, to fight for all time. The Dumpster Babes Become BFF Champs, Def. Intergalactic Express ****** Our adrenaline didn't have much time to level out, cause the Dumpsters Babes were on the scene to raise hackles and blood-pressure! But there were 2 boys who would not back down from the dirt dogs -- Space Lizard Super Wizard and Mister Massive Goliath, the Intergalactic Express! PWR's LONGEST-NAMED TAG-TEAM used their FRIENDSHIP-BORNE teamery to protect their belts once more. But the prowess of the Babes, along with their access to a plumbing supplies and bags, put the space-friends to the curb. The Dumpster Babes again became our BFF Champions. It's nasty... Skip Rathbone Terrorizes Bacchanal Revelers, Challenges Puggin'Head ****** After a short break, cybernetic gameshow host Skip Rathbone blindsided all of us by attacking Greeks and ruining a party: QUESTIONABLE RIDDLES were met with DEADLY ANSWERS! But PWR's PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPION, the SMALL, FABRIC-COVERED BOY CALLED PUGGIN'HEAD, was there to save the day! Kind of! A couple people got hurt pretty bad! A SPIN THE WHEEL MATCH for later in the night was set, and Skip left the stage. But another visitor arrived...who was this?! It was TEEN WORM'S EMISSARY, who bestowed a BOON upon young Puggy! Are you calling me a LYRE? This magic harp would aid the champ in his hour of need. Though Puggy resisted, we all couldn't help but wonder what furious music this instrument would play! Hot Dog, Crybaby and Sweetie Tuff def. Circe's Hogg Boys ****** Another revenant was in our midst, the eldritch enchantress, Circe! She had set her sights upon the GARBAGEWEIGHT TITLE. The holder of that title? An itinerant crustpunk named Hot Dog! He wasn't alone, though: he had his own magical aid. Sweetie Tuff and Crybaby were in his corner! Circe's filthy pen consisted of her hoggified wards: MARCUS ARUGULUS and HOGG THE BOUNTY HUNTER. The massive pig men kept the pressure on the mystic punks, dropping wicked ham from a height. Crybaby got turned into a pig! Grapples and locks gave way to full-on use of weapons: Tamborines, bags of trash, tiny pigs, and toilet paper. Finally, Crybaby overcame their HOGNOSIS and destroyed the very HOG SAUCE that transformed them, risking eternal hogification! Sweetie Tuff and Hot Dog hit a DUAL STUNNER in the melee, snatching up the V and defending the Garbageweight title! Dog was still the champ, and it turns out everyone was just wearing rubber pig noses! Cool. Bull DeCroix def. The Conductor ****** We then left the hogzone and stood upon the train tracks...two locomotives bore down upon us! Our hearts lay tied upon the rails, caught up in the feud of two tyrants! Bull DeCroix and The Conductor, formerly the united North American Rail Road Commission, had split apart. They prepared to battle over THE PRIMACY OF TRAINLAW. Who would be the ultimate TRAIN MAIN?! A TRAINYARD RULES match ensued. The Conductor conducted himself admirably, shocking us with THE NOBILITY OF A MIGHTY ENGINE! But Bull DeCroix offered referee "Smooth" Verny Vegas a ONE FREE RIDE coupon...but why? This ticket granted the Conductor a ticket to defeat, as Verny tripped him with it, allowing Bull to lock in a win! The terrors of train law... Dan "the Man" Ziglar def. Aiden Prince ****** Next, we beheld the blinding green strobes of Dan Ziglar's entrance! He had been slated by his erstwhile manager, Swifty DeNiro, to wrestle one AIDEN PRINCE! This explosive youngster seemed to have all the 'tude as Dan, but was somehow MORE TOUSLED, and MORE ADORABLE. Despite Aiden's relentless attempts to befriend him, Dan was determined to destroy the young usurper. This friendly and cheerful upstart wouldn't be destroyed, though! With a smile on his face, he pasted the Dan Man from buckle to buckle! But it wasn't long for the smile to fade and for Aiden to reveal his true colors. The brash upstart launched into a FULL-ON TIRADE AGAINST PWR, and its EXTREMELY COOL practice of having FREE WRESTLING PARTIES! Dan got to his feet with a courage we'd never seen. He wouldn't let ANYONE talk like that about PWR - anyone but him, that is! Was Dan actually displaying THE HEART OF THE CHAMPION?! I guess so! This enervation magnified his warrior spirit and allowed him to defeat his cherub-like nemesis, breaking a two year losing streak! It wasn't long before he squandered whatever goodwill he'd just earned by yelling at the audience. Will he ever live down just what a cool thing it was that he did?! Luigi Primo def. Pizzaclops, Awakens More Sentient Food Dudes ****** Speaking of year-long things, PWR's most legitimately Italian chef had been running from an awakened PIZZA SLICE from beyond space and time for about that long! It was time to face it in the ring! Unfortunately, Luigi was immediately consumed by the creature, and relegated to PIZZA HADES! There, he battled 3 toppings: Anchovius, Olive, and Spinach! With the help of Pastaman, cleverly disguised as a pineapple, Luigi defeated the innards of Polymeatsius. The cheese-covered titan vomited forth the Primo family and their newly recruited topping army. For the first time in his life, Luigi topped a pizza with spinach, anchovies, olives, Pasta, and himSELF. The Pizzaclops was finally defeated, and didn't taste half bad! Big Daddy Bolero def. Alexandra Cage, gets Deed to East Side of Multiverse ****** The next battle was waged for paper - a scroll! A scroll...on a pole! The Dallas real-estate mogul was wagering his imminent building project on a match with ALEXANDRA CAGE! The dynamic enforcer of RADICAL JUSTICE had become the lone bulwark against the enterprising drift of the FORCES OF DALLAS! The two knocked-down and drug-out with thud after thud! Soon Alexandra became so enraged that she stopped pursuing the goal of the match, and focused only on pulling BDB apart! When she snapped out of it, regretting her fury, BDB took advantage and cuffed her to the very ring. With that, Big Daddy Bolero won that battle. But, as Cage swore, he WOULD NOT win the war! Dock Master def. Baron Zahkey, retains Necroweight Title ****** Now we turned to PWR's greatest hero - who was desperate to keep the cursed NECROWEIGHT TITLE from falling into the hands of the evil Baron Zahkey! The two warriors clashed - one from THE SEA, and one from EASTERN EUROPE/HELL! The ugliest and most violent moves of each wrestler's career was given and taken, and surely, had Zahkey not been partially undead, he would have been killed. Even his reanimated bones could not withstand a POWERBOMB ON A STEEL CHAIR, and his chances to regain his necropowers were dashed. Good had won. Or had it? A strange look filled Dock Master's eyes...a look that DAN THE MAN didn't like! The two squared off, and their NECROWEIGHT BOUT was set! Puggin'head def. Skip Rathbone, retains Partyweight Title ****** And now, we were to come of the end of our revel. Teen Worm's ascension was at stake, and SKIP RATHBONE began his twisted game! The wheel spun, and with it, Puggy began his PUGULEAN LABORS! The first...defeat the Hydra. Ah! And it was done, its dismembered limbs cauterized with WRESTLING SPIRIT! BENCH MINOTAUR devastated the field, but he too was defeated! And finally...SCRYLLA-X - THE GIANT SQUID WHO LOVES DUBSTEP - attacked! The only way to defeat it would be to use the WORM EMISSARY'S BOON! The magic power of this glowing lyre was released...and PUGGY ONCE AGAIN GREW 10 FEET TALL! He defeated the squid, but Skip's EVIL CHAIR knocked him down to size. Now the two had to fight one on one, and it looked like Skip had the advantage. But PWR's REAL BOY could not be kept down...using his own FELT HANDS, he wrenched victory from the cyborg! The Partyweight Belt had been defended, and Teen Worm's screech sounded in the distance, more like a bellow than a squeak. The columns began to crumble around us, and the bronze began to moulder. The TITANS had BASHED! The ruins would stand in our minds for all time, reminding us of a time of ancient combat; of eternal revelry. Where would the next challenge take us? And what form would we, Teen Worm, and Puggin'head assume next? See you in June!Category:Show